How To Recover From PEOPLE-PLEASING Habits
This article looks at the possible causes of wanting approval in different contexts and offers several realistic ways to stop this behavior.
We all have this innate desire to seek approval, don't we? It's that gratifying feeling of knowing we're on the right track, that we're doing something well, and that others are nodding in agreement. But let's pause for a moment and ask ourselves: Are we truly doing ourselves justice by constantly seeking validation from others? Are we sacrificing our mental well-being in the process? Let's break it down and take a look at why we're so eager to please, how it holds us back, and most importantly, how we can kick that habit to the curb once and for all.
First, I want to shed light on the traits of a people pleaser. You may have encountered individuals who exhibit an overly giving nature, always ready to lend a hand. They do so because they crave the validation that comes from being needed.
So, what are the characteristics of a people pleaser?
They worry a lot about what others might think.
They often feel bad when they say "no" and worry that people might think they're mean or selfish.
They do things purely to gain approval from others and don't feel great about themselves as a result.
They often struggle with low self-worth, constantly seeking validation from others.
They prioritize everyone else's needs above their own, often neglecting their well-being.
They tend to follow the flow, allowing others to dictate their actions.
Additionally, people pleasers tend to be excessively agreeable even when they don’t, rarely asserting themselves or saying no.
They find their value in complying with the desires of others and seek praise as a form of validation.
Even when not at fault, they apologize unnecessarily and blame themselves.
They make excuses for the faults of others, lacking self-awareness in the process.
Now let’s understand the common types of People Pleasers
The Approval Seeker
Constantly seek validation and approval from others, often sacrificing their happiness. Their behaviour can be traced back to childhood influences, such as conditional love or high expectations from parents or caregivers.
Breaking free from the Approval Seeker mindset requires an in-depth understanding of these childhood influences, learning to value oneself, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing authenticity.
The Conflict Avoider
• Growing up, Conflict Avoiders may have experienced situations where conflicts were met with anger, hostility, or violence.
• In adulthood, Conflict Avoiders often say "yes" to things they don’t want to do, causing tension and resentment.
• Therapy or coaching can help in exploring these childhood influences and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
The Self-Sacrificer
• A people pleaser who prioritizes others' needs over their own.
• Believes their worth is tied to their ability to do for others.
• May have been conditioned to believe their needs were unimportant, or they had to earn love and acceptance through acts of sacrifice.
• Struggles with setting boundaries and asserting oneself.
• Feels guilty or selfish when prioritizing their own needs.
• Struggles with self-awareness and a willingness to prioritize self-care.
• Needs to learn to value their own needs and prioritize self-care.
The Perfectionist
• Driven by an insatiable desire to excel, meet high standards, and seek validation.
• Childhood influences shape the Perfectionist mindset.
• Believes their value as a person depends solely on their accomplishments.
• Trapped in a cycle of fear and self-doubt, constantly seeking external validation.
• Struggles with embracing imperfections and accepting themselves unconditionally.
• Needs to practice self-compassion and set realistic expectations.
• Focus on celebrating progress rather than fixating on perceived failures.
• Seeks support from professionals, support groups, or self-reflection exercises.
The Enabler
• Found in a cycle of rescuing and enabling others’ behaviors, sacrificing their needs and desires.
• Fear of abandonment and rejection stems from childhood experiences.
• Attracted to manipulative or dependent behaviors, often becoming the "fixers."
• Perpetuates a cycle of codependency, where the enablers’ sense of self-worth becomes tied to their ability to please others.
• Requires a deep understanding of childhood influences and a commitment to self-care and self-assertion.
• Seeking therapy or coaching can help in unraveling traumatic childhood influences, and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Childhood Experiences and the Desire to Please Others
Childhood experiences can impact our behavior as adults. If we don't get enough attention or love, or only get it when we meet certain conditions, we may always try to please others and seek their approval.
Criticism, rejection, and neglect during childhood can make us think our worth depends on meeting others' expectations. But our value is inherent to us and not defined by others. If our parents or caregivers always try to please others, we may copy their behaviour.
Our upbringing can have a long-lasting impact on our lives. Recognizing these patterns can help us break free from them and find our sense of self-worth.
Parental conditioning
When we grow up, our family, culture, and parents' beliefs can make us think that our acceptance and worth are tied to how well we fulfil others' expectations. This can make us worry about letting people down and cause us to always look for validation and approval. If our parents never said no to us, we might learn that we have to put aside our own needs to have good relationships. And, if we didn't receive enough emotional support during our childhood, we might be afraid of rejection.
The influence of sibling relationships and cultural factors
Brothers and sisters have a big impact on our lives. They shape who we are and how we behave. They're usually our first friends, competitors, and confidants. Although sibling relationships can involve rivalry, comparison, and a desire for attention and love, they can also teach us valuable lessons.
The order in which we're born and the age differences between us can affect how we always want to please others. However, this trait can also help us understand and empathize with others. The challenges we face with our siblings when we're young, such as being treated differently or overshadowed by a more assertive sibling, can teach us to handle tough situations.
Cultural and societal factors that shape our behavior and beliefs
Culture and society shape our beliefs and behaviours. However, gender roles and social media can create pressure to conform to certain standards. This can make us feel inadequate and like we don't have the freedom to be ourselves. By understanding these forces, we can challenge them and build better relationships with ourselves and others. This includes recognizing that social media often presents an idealized version of reality and challenging traditional gender norms. Ultimately, this can lead to a more fulfilling life.
The harmful effects of constantly trying to please others.
Constantly seeking approval and validation from others can cause us to lose our true selves and confidence.
This can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, and exhausted, eventually leading to burnout. To prevent this, we need to address the root causes of stress, anxiety, and burnout before they manifest as physical ailments.
It can also hinder personal growth, causing us to miss out on opportunities for self-improvement. It is important to strike a balance between being considerate of others and prioritizing our growth and well-being.
We may avoid personal development out of fear of conflict or disapproval when expressing our own needs. However, stepping out of our comfort zones, facing challenges head-on, and taking thoughtful risks are necessary for personal growth, even if it means going against the people we love for our own sake.
How to Break Free from the Habit of Trying to Please Everyone
Breaking free from the habit of constantly seeking approval from others can be difficult, but it can also bring a sense of freedom and empowerment.
Being conscious of our thoughts and actions.
To understand ourselves better, we must pay more attention to what we think, and do and be aware of what makes us feel certain emotions and how we respond in social situations.
To better understand ourselves, we can improve our self-awareness by writing in a journal and practicing mindfulness, or meditation.
Having effective communication skills
Good communication isn't just about saying what we think, it's also about listening to others too. Here are some tips:
- Use "I" statements when you talk about your thoughts and feelings, instead of being defensive.
- Be clear about your limits and confidently tell people.
- Listen actively and try to understand where others are coming from.
- Speak up for yourself and what you believe in.
Establishing limits and making self-care a priority
Creating a list of our values and prioritizing them can help us make decisions and set limits more effectively. It is vital to frequently evaluate your values and priorities to ensure that they align with your true self. Being assertive in expressing our expectations in our interactions and engaging in activities that rejuvenate and nourish us. It will help to regain our independence, connect with others genuinely, and have our needs met.
Looking for expert assistance and Connections with support groups
Asking for help and advice is a brave step. Therapists, counselors, and coaches can help you overcome your people-pleasing pattern. Support groups offer a welcoming space to connect with others who understand your struggles. They provide a relaxed environment to share resources and get valuable advice.
Overcoming Negative Thoughts and Developing Kindness Towards Ourselves
To conquer negative thoughts, critically question and seek evidence to support or contradict them. Practice self-compassion and be kind to yourself, especially when disappointed. Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human.
Accepting and Embracing Our Flaws and Taking Chances
Acknowledging our flaws opens up opportunities for learning, personal growth, and meaningful connections with others.
Taking risks means being open, courageous, truthful, and pushing beyond our comfort zone. This can help us discover our strengths and areas for improvement.
Recognizing and appreciating our achievements
We don't need to achieve big things, small things like completing a difficult task or taking steps towards our own goals are worth celebrating. Writing down our achievements helps us remember our progress and growth. Sharing our achievements with close friends or family members can help us feel more confident in our abilities and feel less reliant on external validation.
Final Thoughts
Breaking the habit of people-pleasing can be tough, but know that you're not alone. It's a journey that involves understanding why you try to please others and how your past experiences affect your need for approval. To break free from people-pleasing, you need to understand why you do it.
We're creatures of habit, and we might find ourselves wanting to be liked by others even if it hurts us. But with time and effort, you can break free from this cycle.
Remember, it's okay to put yourself first and focus on your happiness. When you stop trying to make everyone happy all the time, you open yourself up to new opportunities and real relationships. So, take one step at a time towards self-improvement, and see how it can elevate your potential in multiple ways.
Personal development resources
If you're interested in enhancing your personal development, I would highly recommend exploring the vast array of books and resources available. They can provide valuable insights into your personality and offer practical steps to help you grow. In addition, I would be delighted to share some book recommendations with you that have helped me overcome my tendency to prioritize the approval of others. I hope they can also be of great help to you!
Not enough you, a people pleaser’s journal for recapturing your value and worth by Ilene S Cohen.
The Courage to be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness by Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
The people pleaser’s guide to loving others without losing yourself by Mike Bechtle
Healing Your Lost Inner Child Companion workbook: Inspired Exercises to Heal Your Codependent Relationships by Robert Jackman.
When Pleasing You Is Killing Me by Les Carter.
As a dedicated people-pleasing recovery coach, my mission is to empower individuals to overcome their limiting behaviours. With my strategic action plans and unwavering support, you can unlock your full potential and achieve your goals. Don't let your struggles define you - take the first step towards a brighter future and book a consultation with me today!
